My boyfriend wants us to move in together – but I need my independence and his dog won’t let us have sex

My boyfriend and I are in our late 50s. He never married and doesn’t have kids, while I am divorced with two grown-up children. We each have our own place near to each other but he very much wants us to move in together. I am reluctant and feel guilty about it because I, too, was initially keen to do so. It was very difficult to find myself alone after my marriage broke up – I felt like a cast-off, a failure, and feared I wouldn’t cope financially. Now, 15 years down the line, I am very content because not only have I coped, I have thrived. I have a happy social life, enjoy my work and am part of a community. I also love – need even – my own space and time alone. Although my partner and I enjoy our time together, some issues that I can live with for a couple of evenings a week would be a burden to me on a 24/7 basis. For instance, he has a big dog who sleeps in the bedroom and interrupts every cuddle, making intimacy awkward and rare. I have tried talking about these issues, but he won’t engage. What can I do? I fear I’ll lose him if I tell him I don’t want us to move in together.

Why would you even consider jeopardising the self-sufficient life you have worked hard to achieve? You already know it would not work. It sounds as though he would have to step up a long way to be worthy of sharing your life, so you could tell him that – without making any promises. He is going to try to cajole you because he wants an easy life on his own terms, but what would you get out of it? Sometimes people think the availability of regular sex in a shared location is highly desirable, but it can come at far too high a price. You know what you want. Stay strong. Say a quiet “no” as one does to a whiny child, and even be prepared to lose him with a great plan B.

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